8 days after going missing, after leaving heaven to stock up on Rizlas and a copy of the Racing Post at Terry White’s Newsagent in Hackney, God has been found safe and well.
He apologised for any worry he caused, and attributed his breakdown to work pressures.
In a twist of fate, he was spotted by Sinead O’ Toole, a 48 year old housewife from Stone Town Terrace, in Limerick.
It seems he had been employed by a local firm, Murphy’s Garden Maintenance, and was mistaken by Mrs O’ Toole for Dave Lee Travis.
“I saw a scruffy, bearded man, pruning my viburnum, and had to do a double take.”
It was only after a neighbour convinced her Dave Lee Travis was probably in prison for fondling children, that she realised it was actually God in her garden.
“He was a whiz with the loppers.” She beamed.
After consulting the Bishop Leahy, at the Diocese Of Limerick, she discovered that God had been AWOL for over a week.
Acting fast, Mrs O’ Toole convinced God to take a look at her leaky gutter, and phoned heaven with the news.
“Within ten minutes a minibus turned up with seven archangels inside, who surrounded the house like a SWAT team. It happened so fast. To his credit, God finished looking at the gutter before climbing into the minibus, and being driven away.”
Mrs O’ Toole was happy to have played a part in returning God safely to heaven.
“It’s where he belongs, bless him. He seemed such a nice man, and i knew those robbing bastards from Murphy’s wouldn’t have paid him anyway.”
When asked if he was aware he had the almighty working for him, Connor McGilloway, of Murphy’s Garden Maintence told us to “Go fuck our dead grandma.”
So with God safely back in heaven, it seems it’s business as usual.
Representatives from heaven have assured worshippers, that God has now enrolled in Yoga classes to help manage his stress levels.