Channel 5’s new hard hitting documentary “My Mum’s Hotter Than Me”, has catapulted super-models, Georgina, and Kayla Clarke into the dizzy world of the A-Listers.
The mother and daughter duo have spent over £60’000 on cosmetic surgery, in attempt to emulate their idol, Katie “The Bike” Price.
Hot mum Georgina said, “Katie Price is a good role model, strong, independent, she earns her own money and she wasn’t on benefits. She’d suck a tramps length for a fiver. I admire that, as my minimum charge is £5.99′
The procedures have included lip injections, cheek fillers, Botox, breast enhancement, semi-permanent make-up and regular sun beds
When asked about the new high profile world they found themselves in, Kayla said, “It’s amazing. Yesterday i was just a human, but now we are more famous than that Jesus bloke. We meet other celebrities all the time. I feel like royalty. Only yesterday we had lunch with Stavros Flatley, and Benny from Crossroads.”
Lost in thought, she mused, “I gazed out through the window of the restaraunt at the normal scum, and i think a tear fell down my cheek. I was the princess, and they were the flaky floater turds that you can’t get to flush down the lavvy.”
However, fame comes at a price for some celebrities, and the pair found themselves in the uncomfortable position of having to mingle with Z-Listers, at a charity event for terminally ill children, in Leamington Spa last week.
A bitter Georgina spat, “Don’t get me wrong. We know we are beautiful. But to use us to raise money for divvy kids, is almost criminal.” “We had to negotiate our appearance fee for this scam, and this pissed me off. You couldn’t move for wheelchairs, and dribbling kids.”
Kayla added, “They made us have photographs taken with the spackies, saying it would be good for our image. We weren’t even allowed to charge a fee for the photographs. The smell was horrible. Some of the kids have to carry something called a carrier bag, to go to toilet in, and i was heaving all day.”
Georgina said, “We knew we’d been conned when we were being introduced to total nobody’s. They looked happy to be there as i suppose being a Z-lister means you don’t get invited to do the good gigs.”
The two chuckled as they remembered meeting Simon Weston CBE. Georgina said, “he was the ugliest fucker i’d ever seen. I can’t believe someone would actually go out looking like that. Apparently he got burnt up in a sailing accident, or some shit. He tried to talk to us, but he’s foreign, so we couldn’t be bothered to listen.”
Kayla said, “When Harry Potter turned up, it was the last straw.I was so embarrased. Apparently he is actually called Daniel. What a con. He didn’t even have a fucking wand or anything.”
A disapointed Georgina said, “I was hoping Johnny Depp would show up. He is always at these events for the divvy kids, and the snuffers (terminally ill). He’d have got his dick gnoshed for free. But he was a no show, so his loss.”
When asked what the future held, the talented temptresses had no uncertainties. “We’d like to make an album, and some Hollywood movies. “We are open to negotiations, but are looking for something respected and high profile. Failing that, both of us are happy to have our back doors smashed in for a tenner.”
**For those with no sense of humour, this article is “ironic” **
Simon Weston CBE is a veteran of the British Army who has become well known throughout the United Kingdom for his recovery and charity work after suffering severe burn injuries during the Falklands War.
The man is a HERO.
I actually found this mock article quite difficult. Having to put the face of any British soldier alongside simple pondlife was almost to low to sink.