Rich Hawkins -Cheesy Rider

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Rich Hawkins hails from deep in the West Country, where a childhood of science fiction and horror films set him on the path to writing his own stories. He credits his love of horror and all things weird to his first viewing of John Carpenter’s THE THING. His debut novel THE LAST PLAGUE was nominated for a British Fantasy Award for Best Horror Novel in 2015. The sequel, THE LAST OUTPOST, was released in the autumn of 2015. The final novel in the trilogy, THE LAST SOLDIER, was released in March 2016.
He currently lives in Wiltshire, with his wife, their daughter and their pet dog Molly. They keep him sane. Mostly.

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http://www.amazon.co.uk/Rich-Hawkins/e/B007H91W68/ref=sr_tc_2_0?qid=1462704531&sr=8-2-ent

(Darren)

What is your name, and age?

(Rich)

35 years old, although I look 42. I feel 73.

 

(Darren)

How many books have you written or have been involved with?

(Rich)

 I’ve written three novels, THE LAST PLAGUE, THE LAST OUTPOST and THE LAST SOLDIER, and two novellas – BLACK STAR, BLACK SUN and THE PLAGUE WINTER. I’ve also had short stories published in several anthologies in the last few years.

 

(Darren)

What is your main genre of story?

(Rich)

Horror, usually, with some sci-fi thrown in. I love to write apocalyptic horror. The end of the world fascinates me.

 

(Darren)

What are you writing at the moment?

(Rich)

I’m editing a novella called RUIN, which will be published by Dark Minds Press later this year. Also working on a short story for an anthology. In my spare time I’ve been making notes for my first self-published novella, MANIACS, which I’m hoping to release this year.

 

(Darren)

Given a choice between being given a blood transfusion from Pete Doherty, or CPR from Keith Richard. Which would arouse you most?

(Rich)

 CPR from Keith Richards, obviously.  It’s that wrinkly mouth…

keithrichards

 

(Darren)

 Which famous person’s toilet seat would you like to sniff?

(Rich)

Rasputin.

(Darren)

Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmm

(Darren)

Whether you are an atheist or religious, God appears to you while you are sat on the toilet. He tells you he will answer one question as he has other toilets to visit. What would that question be?

(Rich)

Why are you in my bathroom, you old perv?

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(Darren)

 While perusing your favourite website, ‘www.garotting-baboons.com’, you inadvertently cause the opening of the Necronomicon, spinning your already demented mind, to a sandy beach between the spaces of time. You find Yog-Sothoth dozing in a deckchair with the latest edition of Readers Digest rested across his eyes. The portal that will return you to your home glows maniacally within a Dora the Explorer safety ring that Yog-Sothoth has his feet rested on. What is your next course of action?

(Rich)

Well, there’s only really one course of action available to me, isn’t there? I’d have to man-wrestle him.

Beach-umbrella

(Darren)

Which fellow author do you believe would look hot in BDSM gear?

(Rich)

H.P. Lovecraft. And I want him to say ‘Oh, what a lovely tea party’ again and again.

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(Darren)

Being such a major celebrity, the inevitable occurs. You encounter a lull in popularity. Having already been on Celebrity Big Brother, Celebrity Come Dancing, and starred in adverts for Iceland’s, you become desperate. You’ll have to perform a diabolical sex act with the East Sussex Cock Carpark, Katie Price, unless you can conjure up another plan to become a household name again. What do you do?

(Rich)

Can’t I just choose death instead…?

katie-price-wow

(Darren)

What topic would you never consider writing about?

 (Rich)

Child abuse. And the Kardashians.

 

(Darren)

Which celebrity would you keep in your basement, and what entertainment would they provide?

 (Rich)

Keith Chegwin. We’ll talk about his glory days. Then I’ll smack him around with a dead haddock.

keithxcf

(Darren)

What is your favourite swearword or phrase?

 (Rich)

Wanker. It’s functional and covers a lot of bases.

wanker

(Darren)

Which conspiracy theory do you think has some validity?

 (Rich)

None, really. But if I had to wish that one was real, it’d be that the Royal Family are lizard-people. Let’s face it: it’s still preferable to them being just a bunch of bone idle, inbred parasites.

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(Darren)

Which fellow authors would you love to impale on a huge shish kebab skewer and nibble during old re-runs of The Beverly Hillbillies??

 (Rich)

The Sinister Horror Company guys, including Kit Power. I imagine they’d taste of pickled onion Monster Munch with a hint of sauerkraut.

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(Darren)

You are playing a boisterous game of ‘Hungry Hungry Hippos’ with some chums, when you realise all your marble’s have been consumed. How would you punish the greedy opponent?

 (Rich)

Play Peter Andre’s 90s smash hit ‘Mysterious Girl’ on repeat until they’re gibbering wrecks.

peter-andre-curtains

(Darren)

You are spending a relaxing “Find Yourself” week in a caravan in Rhyl. You flick on the TV, and find Bargain Hunt is on. A sudden flash comparable to colliding neutron stars, from David Dickinson’s tanned forehead renders you temporarily blinded? The inevitable occurs. Zombies over run the north east coast of Wales, and a hoard of thousands of the hungry undead are headed your way. Hindered by blindness, how do you fortify your 2004 Compass Raylle 524 4 berth caravan complete with awning?

 (Rich)

I’d just lock the door and hide in the bathroom. That’ll work, right…?

 (Darren)

I feel disillusioned now. You’re a dead man walking Rich. Clearly you are unable to work with the tools at hand.

Your TV is your weapon. With the neutron blast of David Dickinson’s tan, you could have incinerated zombies from all angles. With the benefit of the Compass Raylle 524 abundance of windows your range would have been huge. You could have saved the world, but chose to cower.

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(Darren)

In Vietnamese Dong’s how much do you estimate the meaning of life would cost to purchase in the Kon Tum branch of Argos?

 (Rich)

Well, when I was last in Kon Tum Argos, a watch from Elizabeth Duke cost me two goats and half a chicken. The meaning of life? Three goats and the buttocks of a village elder.

 

(Darren)

Apart from Michael Barrymore’s swimming pool, where’s the most dangerous place you have ever been?

 

(Rich)

Fred West’s back garden.

FREDWEST

(Darren)

Which celebrity would you like to make a semtex toothbrush for?

 (Rich)

Ted Nugent. What an absolute wanker.

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(Darren)

Given a choice of the authors you have only in your Facebook friends list, who would you like to write a story with?

 

(Rich)

David Moody. He’s awesome.

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(Darren)

Along with your esteemed peers you are present at undoubtedly the most prestigious horror fiction event in the world. ‘The Tipton Book Club Awards’

Having won several awards, you are forced to sit through the final award, “Most Popular Fiction Book in Swaziland” which you haven’t been nominated for. Which of your fellow authors is most likely to give a vomit inducing Sally Field, “You really love me” acceptance speech, and who is most likely to give an ultra-offensive and controversial speech?

 (Rich)

I can see Kit Power giving a vomit-inducing speech, with his theatrical background and glorious mane of hair. As for the offensive speech, probably David Owain Hughes. Then he’d expose his genitals to the audience, especially if he’s been drinking…

 

(Darren)

When you were a child, which children’s TV personality caused twitches and mysterious inner feelings to arise?

 

(Rich)

Philippa Forrester. 

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(Darren)

What song annoys you to the point of wanting to hammer a rusty six inch nail into a baby seals eye?

 (Rich)

Any song that features Chris Brown. But I’d happily hammer the nail into his face instead.

brownchris

Thank You Rich.

Have a piece of cheese.

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